I know this post is completely off topic for my new blog, but sometimes life gives you moldy lemons and no matter how you squeeze the lemonade you try making just turns rancid.
I like to believe I’m a positive person, and I love affecting others in a positive way. I like to be the rock everyone leans on… maybe that’s just stupid. But I don’t like being the one who needs a hug, a good cry and a tub of ice cream. I hate feeling self pity, and helplessness. Maybe its my beliefs I’ve tried to live by my whole life, but sometimes all that constitution and holding myself up to a rigid standard just doesn’t work. Like the walls of Jericho, I thought nothing could bring me down. But right now i feel like i hear the trumpets in the distance. I mean i don’t expect anyone else to be that way, so how can i expect that of myself. I feel a little foolish holding my own self to an impossible standard.
I’ve been very fortunate to have found my soul-mate. And no they don’t grow on trees. I never was one to believe in marriage, or love ever lasting before i met him. It was all good for movies, books and fairy-tales… but in my world it seemed a fantasy. He is my rock, my heart, my everything.
But what happens when your rock starts to crumble. Unfortunately he has been battling some very serious health issues, which i really don’t even want to discuss right now. Frankly its just too much for me to handle. I held strong through the worst parts of it. But my biggest slip up in my plan to be strong was that my rock, my support was the one i now needed to be strong for. Not a thought went into creating a support system for myself… because frankly before i had my rock, i was my only support. I have many acquaintances, a scarce fragment of which i believe to be true friends & truly loving family… and out of all that almost none who i think could possibly be able to truly handle my distress right now.
I found myself lying to people… oh he is out of town, oh its just a minor thing he will be fine real soon… blah blah blah. Keeping a happy face, while engaging in witty banter. But that type of facade can only be kept so long before the facade just start eating away at your heart. The small ache in your stomach, turns into a boulder crashing into your chest. No matter how much you try to catch your breath, you don’t feel you can breathe. No matter how much you sleep, you are never energized. And no matter how much you smile, you are crying on the inside.
Small things like watching tv, walking the dog, cooking dinner loose all appeal. All you wanna do is curl up into a little ball and wake up when its all over. But life isn’t that easy…so i force myself to try to keep up my routine. Wake up and spoil my fur babies, wash the laundry… and force myself to eat when all i wanna do is throw it up. Get some sunshine, and blast some energy away on the golf course or tennis court… but all of it feels meaningless. No amount of fun positive music, hrs of sunshine, and fresh air take away the growing hole of blackness that is consuming me slowly.
I’m lucky enough to have a person who spends the time to pry out my real feelings before i get too overwhelmed. I really must get over my issues of feeling like a burden on people who care for me. Its not healthy, and can lead to a meltdown.
Please learn from me, nobody can stand alone… because no matter how strong you are, if you get a big enough crack in your foundation it can only lead to terrible things. Make sure you have a support system, someone to hug you while you cry… listen to your fears and irrational rantings. But most of all people who love you unconditionally, and who support you just as much as you support them.
